Sunday, July 06, 2008

Why Alcohol?

Why Alcohol?

Oblivion, mostly. Uncertainty about the future, or lack thereof.

Isn't that nihilism? And isn't that hypocrisy on your part, seeing as how you often decry nihilism?

You've got me there. But alcohol makes me oblivious to my nihilism as well as to my own hypocrisy about my nihilism.

So you use oblivion as a form of sophistry to justify your own hypocrisy?

What's the matter with that? Is that against the law or sumthin? (hiccup)

What advice would you have for the children?

Well, from the tone of your question, it sounds like you want me to say something like "stay away from alcohol, kiddies." But I'm not going to indulge you there. Although I am a moralist, I'm definitely not a puritan. That being said, I've also never agreed with Dr. Spock and the concept of permissive parenting. Or Alistair Crowley when he said in Diary of a Drug Fiend, "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law." I believe in setting boundaries, I'm just not the one to set them.

Would you ever buy alcohol for a minor?

I did a few months ago. These teenagers outside a liquor store in Queens asked me if I would get them a bottle of Hennessy. When I came out and handed them the bottle, I understood, for the first time in my life, the significance of the phrase "giving back to the community."

In other words, they were grateful?

Exceedingly grateful. In fact, they gave me a dollar for my efforts.

Speaking of children and future generations, you've often expressed skepticism about global warming. Why do you refuse to believe in global warming?

I saw a movie a few years ago called An Inconvenient Truth.

Do you think alcohol will help you in your interactions with the opposite sex?

Yes. Inasmuch as I believe that over time I will become less frustrated and more apathetic.

What do you think has been the reason for your frustration with women?

I used to think it was because I was ugly. And to some degree, I still do. That's because I tend to view male/female interactions very superficially. If one goes through a prolonged sexual drought, it's very hard not to imagine ugliness being a factor.

So do you consider yourself ugly?

Like I say, I don't really know for sure. I don't think anybody really knows whether they're ugly or not independent of how they're received by the people they're sexually attracted to--except, perhaps, people with the Elephant Man disease, whatever that's called.

Von Recklinghausen's disease? Er, no, I'm sorry--Proteus syndrome?

Something like that. Anyway, ugliness is just the default self-image I now have as a result of my sexual isolation. Although I've lately flirted with the idea of psychological characteristics playing a role in the drought as well.

Such as?

I think I might be scary to some people. For example, a few weeks ago a woman told me that she would never sleep with me because I was too "intense."

What did she mean by that?

I don't have any idea really. The only thing I could deduce from her statement was that intensity, however she was defining it, was not a good thing. Therefore, I have undertaken steps to decrease my intensity and increase my apathy. Hence, the alcohol. As well as any other depressants or sedatives I might be able to lay my hands on.

So apathy and/or oblivion can be social panaceas?

I think so. I'm no licensed social worker, but I think that caring about something is the leading cause of depression.

What else, besides the company of females, do you hope to obtain by not caring anymore?

It is my hope that apathy will finally lead to some high-paying work in the entertainment industry. I've always been at a disadvantage in my dealings with television people because I've subconsciously radiated a great deal of interest in my own abilities and have continually expressed concern for artistic standards. I am anxious to see how much better I will be received when word hits the streets that I no longer give a shit.

Is there anything you would like to say to the fans before we stop recording?

I love them dearly and I always will. They are the closest thing I have ever had to a family. I wish I could take them all out to a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky or Nebraska or someplace where cigarettes are still $3 a pack.