Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Believe In A Self! Preferably Yours!


A self is like a shelf without an "h"

-- Moon Tzu (4th Century)

How many times have you heard people exclaim "Jesus H. Christ!" only to be left wondering where the "H" came from?

It came from our very own alphabet--along with 25 other delectable letters; including, but not limited to "S", "E", "L", and "F". (You see where I'm going with this don't you?)

That's right! The very alphabet that gave us the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" over two thousand years ago, is the same one that gives us the "H" in the word "shelf". So what the philosopher Moon Tzu is saying in the above quotation is that everything comes from the same thing-- whether it's a "self" or a "shelf".

But Moon Tzu doesn't stop there.

Oh, no. He can go on all night long. (Little Chinaman penis notwithstanding).

Though Moon-Tzu uses the word "like" in relation to a "self" and a "shelf", he nevertheless draws a very important distinction when he observes that a "self", unlike the "shelf" does not have an "h". And that's where the similarities between "selfhood" and "s(H)elfhood" end abruptly.

But let's not go there yet. Later, when we start to deal with Advanced Self-Belief, we'll be better prepared to deal with differences. For now, let's proceed with caution. Remember:

Self-Belief is a road that is slippery unless you don't drive on it and just walk on it wearing shoes with good traction--Oprah Jemima on "Good Morning, Afro-America!" 1/20/09


Let's consider the ways that a "self" is like a "shelf". Here are just a few submitted from The People Foundation:

a) Shelves (plural of "shelf") and selves (plural of "self") both look the same, either in singular or plural form, with the exception of. . .you guessed it! The "H"!

b)Both shelves (read "shelf") and selves (read "self") are nouns.

Alhough "shelf" or "shelve", unlike "self" or "selves", could be used as verbs, as in "Bitch, you better shelf your backtalk before I beat yo ass!", remember, for now, we're dealing with the similarities and not the differences.

and finally:

c) Both shelves (read "a shelf") and selves (read "a self") can have things put on top of them.

Let's consider this last one for a second. We know that a spice rack or a copy of Moon-Tzu's Ching Te Chong can look nice on top of a shelf. So bearing that in mind, what could you put on top of yourself that would make you feel better about you? Why don't we look at some real-life stories for ideas?

[Tommy] was depressed because he could only grow hair in splotchy patches. Coming from a dirty broken home where his only companion was a dog corpse, [Tommy] also suffered from ringworm, particularly evident in the areas where no hair covered his scalp. Then a local man gave [Tommy] a sombrero and now he is [feeling very happy about himself more than ever before in his life]

Here is another:

[A man I do not know] was feeling sad because there was nothing on top of him. [The man] was depressed and felt like giving up in the game of life. Then a teenage Russian prostitute got on top of [the man] and [the man] felt good about [himself] for 15-17 minutes!

Stories like these are happening every day! All because people are learning to believe in themselves! (or them"shelves"!)

Remember lesson 1 of self-belief:

. . .If you don't believe in yourself, you might start to become like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. There will be a few hazy photos of you, but that's about it. People who really don't believe in themselves also run the risk of becoming like the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy where no empirical evidence whatsoever can be found of their supposed existence. Believe in yourself if only that you can have a visible presence in the spatiotemporal world as a solid, corporeal being. . .Bill Gates and Warren Buffet: Live in Concert, San Ysidro Colisseum, 1993


Well, you may say, this is all fine and dandy. It's wonderful and marvelous. It's perfect and dandy and fine. It's fine and wonderful and dandy-fine.

Thank you! Those are some very nice things that you are saying. But I would be a fool to just let those compliments stay here on the page, drying up like so many dead armadillos in the burning desert sun. So I will gather them all together and put them in my "Compliment Bank".

Compliment Bank???? What is a Compliment Bank????

The term "Compliment Bank" comes from an Old Norse expression for "Jew". Just like a real bank, a "compliment bank" is a savings and lending institution. Yet instead of being run by limp-dicked CEOs and raghead oil money, a "compliment bank" is entirely staffed, served, and patronized by you!

Here is a how a typical transaction at my personal "Compliment Bank" might go:

ME: Good morning, sir, how are you today?
ME: Oh, I can't complain.
ME: That's good to hear.
ME: Looks like we're finally going to get some rain.
ME: Yes it does. Well, we could sure use it.
ME: Ain't that the truth.
ME: What can I do for you today, sir?
ME: I have some compliments I'd like to deposit into my account.
ME: Okay. Just give me one second, sir.

Enter ME from stage right

ME: Excuse me?
ME: I'll be right with you, sir. I'm just helping this gentlemen.
ME: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even see you.
ME: That's okay. Oh, wait! I know you! How have you been?
ME: Wow! I can't believe it! It's you! I've been great!
ME: Okay, sir, what compliments do you have to deposit today?
ME: (to ME) Hold on one second, okay? (to ME) That's an old friend of mine. I'm sorry, what did you ask me?
ME: What compliments will you be depositing today?
ME: Oh, let's see. I've got three "fines", two "dandys", two "wonderfuls", one "perfect", one "marvelous" and one "dandy-fine."
ME: Okay. Let me just write out a slip here and--oh, wait. A "dandy-fine"? I'm going to have call corporate to see if we can accept these.

ME calls corporate headquarters and HINDU ME answers

HINDU ME: Wishinishi Pishi-Pashi Chichi-Chutney Tooki-Wooki?
ME: Hi, it's me. Do we accept "dandy-fines"?
HINDU ME: Samaa-Tikthick Yishiwishi Woojug!
ME: Great! Thanks! (to ME) I guess we do.
ME: Cool. I guess you don't see a lot of those anymore.
ME: They're pretty rare. Okay. Here's your deposit slip. And if you ever feel bad and need quick access to your compliments, we're online now. And of course, our feel good ATMs are always available anytime a girl you blew money on won't blow you in return.
ME: Oh, dandy-fine!


It's that easy! You can have as many characters as you like, just as long as you're sure to include at least 1 teller and 1 customer!

Remember, lesson 1 of self-belief:

Though based in the Creative Writing Program, Morrison did not regularly offer writing workshops to students after the late 1990s. . .From wikipedia's entry on African-American authoress, Toni Morrison


You don't have to be an economist to know how to skin a cat. But don't take my word for it. Just ask professional cat-skinner Jeff Myzak:

I don't no shit 'bout no ecomony. But you want me ta skin a cat, i kin do that. What i like to do is git 'em when they's sleepin. And i take a old bowie knife and then i slit they throte. always start with the mamma kus when she's dead, them little ones can't do nuthin.

Every one of us living today possesses certain talents and abilities. For Jeff Myzak, that talent is cat-skinning. For Milton Friedman, that talent is economic libertarianism. (Well, it was until he died). For Heath Ledger, that talent is acting. (Well, it was until he died). For Michael Jackson, that talent is working with children (Well, it was until he got caught).

What is your talent? Can you do something interesting with your clitoris? Can you pay electric bills with your mind? There are as many different talents as there are snowflakes in the ocean!

When it comes to self-belief, there's almost nothing more important than realizing what your talent is and how to use that talent to the best of your ability.

Consider this graph:


XXXX ((((((((><><><><><><><><><><><><><>DDDD
. . ()()()(()( ............. IIIIIIIIOOOOOO
............ 1-115
/////YOO /////&)&
///// --1-116
2-420 <><
< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>W

Now, I admit, this is not a very good graph. In fact, most experts in the field of graphs would probably argue that this isn't even a graph at all. That's because I have never been very talented at making graphs.

But I don't let that bother me. Why? Because I have other talents! For example, I have always been very good at digging ditches. Remember, the best way to find out what you're good at is to do everything else in the world besides what you're good at first and fail each time. That way, there will be no doubt in your mind whatsoever about your singular role in the shaping of the new Soviet America.

Don't forget the 1st lesson of self-belief:

Yes We Can!--Nameless and Faceless Blob, 2008


How many of you reading this have ever wanted to leap through a cosmic vortex?

If you're anything like me, you probably dreamed of the day when you would be able to leap through a cosmic vortex, impressing parents who never believed in you, or showing off for all the pretty girls in the sixth grade (just like the ones who call you "child molester" today).

While other kids were off playing "Hungry Hungry Hippos" or "Shoot-The-Drifter", I was spending countless hours in my dad's garage laboratory designing a demolecularizing plywood ramp. During those summer months, I would drive mother crazy with my boast that I was going to be the next Lancelot Aldrin--five time Vortex Leaping Champion!

"You're crazy!" mother would say, "You need medication!! I don't know what you're talking about anymore!! What in God's name is a vortex anyway? Why can't you be normal? I'm scared of my own son!!"

Then, two days before the big leap, I received bad news. Because of a hamstring where my leg should have been, doctors told me that I would never be able to leap through a cosmic vortex.

I could have let that news depress me. And it did. I was in many hospitals and charitable institutions over the years.

But now that I'm out, I can count my blessings. I may not be able to leap through a cosmic vortex. But, thanks to the power of Self-Belief, I can make all sorts of crazy leaps through logic and straight into utter nonsense!

All sorts of Oklahoma then. When it gets better I get Texas. And then no dolphin will it be evverr bee confused mo nore!!! AHO! Voo-voo! SO MANY. Her mommy's stretchmarks. Import/expert the girl with bones. Find out instantly.

Dont foghat the 1st lessin of BASIC SELFBELIEF:

Sam Meant down the money but it was tie in with the star's plan. All because of a hiking problemThe U-Dayway-Way of SIVO, CHPATER 5