Saturday, February 02, 2008

We Want To Take The World Back To Kindergarten

When I tell people that I do not acknowledge Hip-Hop or Techno as valid forms of music, I am assaulted with a barrage of subgenres.

"But there's a lot of good POLITICAL hip-hop. I don't know if you've heard a lot of TRANCE HOUSE TECHNO. There's some good SUBTERRANEAN ASTHMA RAP. You should pick up some NEW SPICE OLD SCHOOL BINGO EMO or look into some APARTMENT HOUSE SKIP RUN DJ MIX or try some FEE-FI-FO-FUM DUB. . ." ad nauseam.

I am a member of a secret organization which doesn't have a name yet. Our vision is predicated on the belief that music of the past was and is superior to music of the present.

One of the first goals of our organization will be to collapse all of the many subgenres of Hip-Hop and Techno into two simple and easily recognizable genres: Hip-Hop and Techno.

In other words, everything that followed after musicians stopped making music.

There will be no more subgenres. Subgenres cloud the issue. Our organization is concerned with eliminating the entirety of Hip-Hop and Techno from our auditory landscape, not specific subgenres of the two.

At that point, we will return to the magical time when musicians still made music.

That time can vary depending upon the individual member. For some it's the 18th century. For others, the 1960s. Myself, I've been getting into a lot of 1930s British music hall lately. There's a lot of diversity in the past. You'll discover this if you become a member!

If you would like to join this organization, you must first be able to renounce Hip-Hop and Techno in their entirety. This is a decision that only you can make for yourself. For many of our members, the decision was almost innate.

After this, you must choose a secret name or have one chosen for you by your subconscious. The subconscious method is preferable. And here's why:

It's best if it just comes to you in a flash and you don't spend too much time thinking of the perfect name. That way, it's almost as if you've been born again with another name not of your own choosing. For example, mine is "Blood of Hate". There are times I've wished for another, but that's how it came to me when my friend "Ring Of Fists" and I co-founded this organization a little over two years ago.

All you have to do at that point is send me an e-mail at with your secret name and I will give you detailed instructions for the secret parting handshake that takes place whenever two or more of our members say goodbye to each other.

This organization is open to all creeds, colors, religions, genders, and sexual orientations. We are not exclusionary. We believe all cultures have a history in which their musicians wrote and performed music. We believe that life existed before globalization.

Our goal is simple. We want to take the world back to kindergarten.

"This is an instrument."

"This is melody."

"This is chord structure."

"This is The Ukulele Man."