Tuesday, January 22, 2008

LOVE LETTERS, PART 2: I Think I'm Going To Arrange To Marry This Woman

My responses are in italics. Also, I won't be posting another one of these. Although I dearly love her, I have comedy to write and shows to perform. Oh, Fatima! Why must we go on like this?

"No - I'm NOT saying you shouldn't make jokes about Muslims- I'm saying you shouldn't make jokes only about Muslims and not other religions...it makes you seem like a racist and thanks for the correction, but it SEEMED like 2 hours...it seemed like it would never end

Heavens to Betsy! It seemed like it would never end! Those 9 minutes just turned into infinity! Yes it seemed like that because you're an uptight theocrat looking for something to complain about. You hate fairness and equality. You can't tolerate criticism of your religion. In short, you are a prejudiced asshole. Or bitch. I'm not gender-specific when it comes to assholes. By the way, at what point in history did Islam become a "race" and not a "religion"? I missed that chapter.

During your islam+christianity+judaism=money skit, you went out of your way to bash Islam before going on to the other religions..."Islam- you know the religion that..."

The religion that what. . .? Go on, say it-- Hangs homosexuals from cranes in Iran? Stones rape victims to death under sharia law unless they can produce four male witnesses? Smashes planes into buildings and expects us to believe it's because they're impoverished? Commits genocide daily in Darfur? Calls for the death of schoolteachers for naming teddy bears "Mohammad?" Tells the free West what cartoons they can and cannot print? Mutilates female genitals? Yes, I rattle off a bunch of shit that radical Muslim groups have been involved with because Muslims like you won't. The religion that what. . .? Say it. I'm waiting to hear your words of condemnation. Your silence is deafening. And since you obviously aren't going to say anything, I guess that job belongs to me. Just don't shoot the messenger, honey.

"I would feel more comfortable on an airline with a radical Christian than a radical Muslim." What are you trying to prove with that statement-how would you know who you're sitting next to? Maybe you should write a book about how to tell what kind of a radical you're sitting next to on a plane

Anybody who asks for a seatbelt extension and is reading from a Koran. That kind of person. But maybe you're right. Maybe it would be hard to tell. Because, again, Islam is a religion and not a race.

And your medal is in the mail for using the word "radical" once when talking about terrorists and for not mentioning Osama...it would have been better if you did mention osama because at least then you are being specific- not generalizing all muslims...

The only thing I'm generalizing is radical Muslims. They are shit. How about that? Is that enough of a generalization for you? They murder people and expect us to believe it's because they're poor and have no educational opportunities because of the Great and Little Satan (America and Israel, respectively) despite the fact that most of their leaders are rolling around in oil money like pigshit. You can shove these people up your ass. Also, I didn't mention Osama by name because a) unlike SNL and Jon Stewart, I avoid the obvious and b) Osama is not the only radical Muslim in the world. But I think you want him to be. That way you have a nice scapegoat to point to and say--"Not all Muslims are like him!" You need more fingers, sister. Many more.

You say: "I do not consider it racist given the worldwide death toll in places like Darfur, Indonesia, London, or even New York where murders have been committed specifically in the name of "a certain religion..." Hate to break it to you but more people were murdered in the name of a different "certain religion" during the crusades than all of those put together...

Actually, that's not true. Islamic murders passed that watermark many years ago. By the way, I already explained what the Crusades were about in my last e-mail. The next time an Islamic Empire starts enslaving people all over Europe (which might be any day now) you can help stop it before another defensive Crusade begins. All you have to do is point the finger where it belongs. At radical Islam. Oh, and how long ago were the Crusades anyway? Or are you just collapsing all time into a single infinite point like you did with the 9 minutes into 2 hours magic trick?

"to get to the point where certain denominations now openly accept female and homosexual clerics, for example. What if Islam could do the same? As a Muslim, you could make a difference in your religion where it's needed most. " - there are also certain denominations that openly accept female clerics and some that would not- the same as the idea of gay clerics in christianity....

Yes, Christianity at least has a choice nowadays. Better than not having a choice. So your point is meaningless. Give me choice over lack of choice any day. Give me diversity over lack of diversity any day. As the song goes, "accentuate the positive". Here's a funny question: have you ever been to a Christian church dressed as a woman? I have. Many times. Not only was I allowed to live, but I was invited to come forward and read a passage from the Bible. Afterwards, everybody had coffee and donuts and nobody said a fucking thing. It's nice to have a little wiggle room in religion sometimes. (I'll explain all this later in a separate blog entry--ed.)

You don't know me- I try to make a difference in my religion and teach acceptance and understanding,

No you don't. "Acceptance" and "understanding" are your handy little catchphrases to deflect from what you really are--a fascist who can't tolerate criticism. What the hell is tolerant about "racist douchebag" and "racist bastard"? Give it a rest with the peace and love bullshit. You're an ideological stormtrooper.

But it's assholes like you that make it a whole lot harder to talk about understanding and tolerance

Yes, because I won't blindly apologize to people like you who can conveniently morph 9 minutes of intellectual comedy into 2 hours of Hitlerian hate crimes.

If we're not "giving a shit" about people's feelings, then i think you should know that you're not funny...at least if you were funny that would be one thing- he's a racist, but he's funny-

Oh, so you CAN be a racist and be funny? Thanks for the heads-up. Next time, I'll just pick on the Jews.

There was nothing funny about your show and not even because it was offensive...you're just a guy with ADD subjecting people to the horseshit in your head. Maybe you should quit your job as a comedian and work as a skit writer for fox news...i'm sure they'd have plenty of use for your anti-muslim crap there...

Yes, and maybe you could write for Al-Jazeera. Something unique and earth-shattering, something completely unheard of in this politically-correct wasteland of unoriginal thought. How about. . .I got it! An op-ed piece on how badly Muslims are persecuted in the New York underground comedy scene in the Chelsea district of Manhattan on 26th street between 8th and 9th avenues! You could call it "9 Minutes That Shook My World"! Run with it, sister! Give it voice! Go girlfriend!

OR because you believe that when land was being "gobbled up by Islamic clerics" before the crusades, the only way to stop that was through mass murder--

I think they tried releasing doves first. . .

Then I think you and Bush have a lot in common- keep that in mind when thinking about replacement jobs as well...

Listen, bitch, why don't you go off and write a one-Muslim show of your own and stop busting my balls? Just make sure it doesn't go over 9 minutes. I don't know if I could handle that much criticism.