Sunday, August 27, 2006

. . . because seven eight the ninth planet!

From: Fixhialtius V5, Chariman of the Council on American-Plutonic Relations

To: Earth Science Astronomy People

Dear Earth Science Astronomy People--

Pluto’s not a planet, huh? Who the fuck do you think you are, God’s gift to astronomy? Well, you got it wrong--God’s gift to astronomy is God. And only God can make a planet, assholes!

And only God can take one away.

How did you come to your little conclusion anyway? Have you been to Pluto? Do you know anything at all about the culture and peoples of Pluto? Or is this something you just assumed because you read it in some astronomy book that you probably wrote in the first place?

What do you think is going to happen now because of your little pronouncement? Is Pluto suddenly going to stop orbiting and disintigrate into dust because the big bad Earth scientists said it wasn’t a planet?

Fuck you. This doesn’t change anything! You gravely underestimate the long Plutonic tradition.

This is revisionist science at its worst. It is nothing more than human guilt. Yes, one time, many millions of years ago, there was slavery on Pluto. Yes, for a long time female Plutonian writers were omitted from the literary canon of great Plutonian masterpieces. Yes, Plutonians have used racial profiling to weed out Neptunian terrorists. So this is the collective universal punishment for our prior sins? To be stripped of our inherent planethood?

Let’s see how you like this, as long as we’re playing the flimsy game of random redefinition--EARTH isn’t a planet anymore either. What do you think of that?

I’m sure I could bring up quite a few “unique characteristcs” and “unorthodox elements” inherent in the planetary status of Earth that might throw everything into question.

To name a few--

1) Pine trees. No other planet has pine trees. Doesn’t that put YOU in the minority? Doesn’t that raise doubts about YOUR planetary status?

2) A Pacific Ocean. Name me one other fucking planet that has a Pacific Ocean! How about an Atlantic, Indian, or Arctic? Kind of difficult, isn’t it?

3) Burning Man. You charge people over two hundred dollars once a year to live out in the desert with a bunch of ravers? Jesus, I wonder how your neighbors Venus and Mars would feel if they knew they shared a solar system with such retards. . .

The list goes on and on. It’s easy to point the finger at something 2.7 billion miles away. It’s always harder to look at yourself. Find a mirror, assholes. Don’t they have them on earth? Oh, that’s right--you also invented narcissism!

Last night, I held my daughter Xarpanthima by her tentacle. She was crying. (Yes, we have emotions out here in Pluto) Xarpanthima goes to private school on Saturn. When it came time for science class and the teacher related the news of our “demotion” she had to endure endless taunts from her classmates. How is she supposed to hold her metallic-sheened orb high after this?

Even worse, this morning I awoke to see that somebody had spray-painted the word “Nigger” on the east side of our surface.

I hope you earthlings really do get melted away by the polar ice caps and bust a big fucking hole through your ozone layer. Personalliy, I thought Katrina was justified.

Until that glorious day comes, however, we’re going to look for a new sun. You’re not the only solar system in town. To be sure, we’ll probably be the last planet in that system as well. Not even the ninth, more like the 5,346,132th. But guess what? You’ll be even farther back than we are in that particular line-up. And whoever that solar system’s equivalent of Earth is--who knows, maybe some day down the road THEIR human scientists will start questioning the planetary status of the 5,346,138th planet. . .

Oh, I’m sorry--”icy dwarf”!


Go fuck your mother.