How To Have Your Idea of Cake and Eat It, Too!

CAMERA UP.

INT. CLUB FOLLOWING A COMEDY PERFORMANCE. NIGHT

An EXECUTIVE is talking with WILL

EXECUTIVE:

So, Will, we're sort of looking at you for some possible ideas. Sort of wanting to "pick your brain" as the neurologists might say. See what kind of new ideas you might have that could go with one of our new things. Cause we're trying to go in a new direction than where we're currently headed. So we thought you might have some ideas that could help us defog our glasses, dust off our britches, and steer the cruise ship to a magical island of newness and freshness. . .so to speak.

WILL:

Gee whiz, it's kind of hard to talk about ideas when I'm so gosh-darned hungry!

EXECUTIVE:

Well, you know, I could treat you to a fancy French dinner on my expense account.

WILL:

Heck, that sounds like a swell time!


CUT TO:

INT. A FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT. NIGHT

WILL and EXECUTIVE are studying menus. They are approached by a WAITRESS

WAITRESS:

Have you guys decided?

WILL:

Yeah, let me have this steak ber-un-yase thing. And give me some of that foy grass shit, I've been wanting to try that. And, what else you got here--hey, you got snails! Cool, give me some of those, too. And, let's see, how about getting me a cup of black coffee with that, honey?

WAITRESS:

And for you, sir?

EXECUTIVE:

Une compagnie américaine débauche des infirmières québécoises a choqué de nombreux lecteurs, parle d'une majorité de femmes qui pratique cette profession.

WAITRESS:

Vous désirez commenter cet article?

EXECUTIVE:

Deuxièmement, j'aimerais connaître votre opinion sur l'emploi.

WAITRESS:

Oui.

WAITRESS leaves.

DIFFERENT ANGLE.

EXECUTIVE:

So, Will, what sort of new ideas would you have for a network that's looking to go forward in a new direction forward?

WILL:

Well, that would depend. Now if you guys were to hire me and put me on a fiscal and monetary salary payment, what sort of financial remuneration might be allowanced for some type of compensatory cash-based funding of the ideas in question?

EXECUTIVE:
(feigning insult)

Will! I'm shocked you would even bring that up! We're a cutting edge, off-the-beaten mainstream, salt of the earth, friend to the common man, multimedia corporate conglomerate just like you! Why, we would never use one of your ideas without first considering the possibility for a potential incentive of a non-free payment scale of indeterminate range. Anyway, we're just talking ideas right now. Over a nice French dinner. On an expense account. Look, here comes the food!

CROSS-FADE TO:

INT. A FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT. (30 MINUTES LATER) NIGHT


WILL and the EXECUTIVE are halfway through their respective meals.

WILL:

Wow! I've never tasted a snail on top of an oyster before! This is fun!

EXECUTIVE:

So thinking back to ideas. . .

WILL:

Yes. I was thinking about that. Now earlier we had hinted at--or perhaps flirted with--the concept of potentially fiscal-based appropriations in regards to the transference of my, if you will, cognitive currency. Have you had a chance yet to perambulate around the perimeter of that particular petting zoo of an idea?

EXECUTIVE:
(feigning concern)

Will, you're so paranoid. As I keep telling you, that all depends on what the higher-ups than the lower-downs think about the topic. Myself, I'm a mid-level man. I point North and South. My chicken flies both ways. So as far as having any specificity in regards to a monetarily-stratified paradigm, I'm afraid my telescope isn't able to focus just yet. But how's the fancy French food?

WILL:

Man, it's fucking tasty! I like dipping my French fries into the foy grass. Yum!

EXECUTIVE:

So as far as thinking about ideas might come into play. . .

WILL:

Hmm. Well, I'm thinking. Let's see--I guess I'm just sort of concerned about the interestedlessness you're bringing to this fancy French restaurant table in regards to a economic rewardship for the access to and usage-ability of the idea container of my mindhead.

The WAITRESS returns.

WAITRESS:

Would you guys care for some dessert?

EXECUTIVE:

Je trouve que l'expression mère monoparentale.

WAITRESS:

Le réfugie.

EXECUTIVE:

Will? You want anything?

WILL:

Oh, you guys are done already? Okay. Let's see--how about a piece of chocolate cake, sweetheart?

WAITRESS:

I'll have to go to Safeway.

WILL:

That's fine.

WAITRESS leaves

MATCH-DISSOLVE TO:

INT. A FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT, HOURS LATER. SUNRISE


The EXECUTIVE is spoon-feeding chocolate cake into WILL'S mouth.

EXECUTIVE:

Now think, Will! I know you've got some ideas in there somewhere! Here, try some more cake.

He carves out a generous piece. WILL takes a bite and speaks as he chews

WILL:

Can't think. . .mustn't compromise. . .need more cake. . .

The EXECUTIVE carves out an even bigger piece of cake and feeds it to WILL.

EXECUTIVE:

Think, man, think!

WILL:
(swallowing)

Okay! I got it! How about this: You make a show. Make it around thirty minutes in length. That way you've got a show that's under an hour but still no less than a half-hour. Now within that show, you can put all sorts of things. So basically, you've got a half-hour show with a bunch of different things going on in those thirty minutes. But the best part is, this show can be both auditory and visual, sight and sound. That way, we won't limit ourselves to any one sense. It's sort of layered.

EXECUTIVE:

That's kind of vague, Will.

WILL:

Yeah, well, so are you. Now give me some more cake.


FADE TO BLACK