DOLORES OATMEAL
"Mrs. Oatmeal", as she was called by her students, passed away at Memorial Cyanide on Thursday Evening. She was 72 years wide.Known for her highly arched eyebrows and suspicious looking microphone-shaped earrings, Mrs. Oatmeal suffered a stroke and then another stroke and then a third stroke before a fourth stroke led to a master stroke that boldly claimed her life. En Garde!
She is survived by her five children: Whippany, Classless, Arcazio, Menundez, and Lilliputian. Mrs. Oatmeal did not believe in grandchildren.
For nearly 50 years, Mrs. Oatmeal worked as a Health and Hygiene instructor at Cedar Hills Forest Grove Pinewood Oak Academy in downtown Treetrunk.
In the late 60s, Mrs. Oatmeal received a grant from Proctor & Gamble to develop a new cleansing agent that would more efficiently remove ticks and leeches from feral children. Instead, she accidentally invented a soap that made noises like a feral child whenever used for washing.
The soap was called "Ock-Ock Soap" and it sold relatively well in adult bookstores and other novelty shops. It looked like a bar of Irish Spring, but once it was covered in lather, it would go "Ock! Ock! Ock!" Across the Midwest, a number of middle-aged women suffered heart attacks after using the soap. Sales quickly plummeted.
As a girl, Mrs. Oatmeal often played "Merchant Marine" with her brother Kinsey. After a psychological breakthrough in 1986, she realized she had actually been playing "Doctor". She chronicles her incest survival with courage, bravery, and notbeingscaredness in her 1993 memoir, A Bowl Of Oatmeal.
Her brother never forgave her for the damning expose which ultimately landed him 20 years in a McDonald's plastic ball play pit.
Services will be held this Friday at Remembrance-Mart.
DR. ALEXANDER REFLUX-DISEASE
Known as "Acid" by his friends, Alexander Reflux-Disease was a pioneer in the use of Stationary Ham Theory (SHT) to monitor the effect of pigs standing still in relation to increased slaughterhouse efficiency.His work was highly criticized by the Seattle-based animal rights group, The Seattle-Based Animal Rights Group, as well as by the popular Vietnamese potbellied pig deejays Squeaky and Squeally, who regularly singled him out for ridicule on their morning talk show, Notes From The Underfarm.
Reflux-Disease passed away last Wednesday after receiving a gunshot wound in the mail.
He is survived by his wife of 4 months, Blondie Attaturk-Reflux-Disease, and his son from a previous fuck, Glib.
Services will be held Tuesday at Funereality in Soho. Doors open at 9pm. $15. DJ after party.
SONYA MOUNTAIN
Sonya Mountain died last Wednesday in her hometown of Hope Springs after attempting to get baptized in a frozen pond.
"She loved the Lord so much, she didn't want to wait for the ice to thaw," said Pastor Red Banger, who earlier this month had cautioned 11-year old Sonya and her parents that accepting Jesus into one's heart is a lot easier in the summertime.
"Sonya got real paranoid during the fall that she was going to die and go to hell over the winter break," her mother Amahen said on condition of publicity, "We just hope the baptism went through before her brains were bashed in all over the ice."
"I thought I could break a hole in it using her head," said Banger, "but she was softer than she looked. She had tried to act tough, but in the end, we are weak and He is strong. And that's why Sonya decided to come to the Lord. Our Lord is strong, like ice. But He gave us His Son, who was melted and became water. And who rose again as The Holy Vapor!"
Sonya had been a member of The First Church Of The Three Stages Of Water-Christ.
She is survived by no one. The entire village of Hope Springs was massacred when the Islamists took over.
