COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL: The Final Chapter In The Gender-Discrepancies Blog Trilogy

INTAKE INTERVIEW WITH CLINICALLY DEPRESSED CAUCASIAN MALE SUBJECT, Wed, 03 October, 12:04.

Doctor:
(tape begins in mid-speech)--taping this session. I hope you don't mind.

Subject: I didn't catch the first part of that.

Doctor: I was just saying that I'll be taping this session. I hope you don't mind.

Subject: I thought this was completely confidential.

Doctor: It is completely confidential. I'm just taping this for research purposes. So let's start with what you were saying a few moments ago about being unlucky with the ladies.

Subject: This is completely confidential, right?

Doctor: See--I knew I shouldn't have told you I was taping this. Now you're all hung up about it.

Subject: No, I'm glad you told me. I just need your assurance that all this is completely confidential.

Doctor: It's strictly for research purposes. And I'll probably put a portion of it up on my blog. Maybe send a link to my parents. They never thought I was going to make it as a clinical psychologist, so it'd be kind of nice to show them that I actually have a real live patient.

Subject: So your parents never believed in you, huh?

Doctor: No, my dad used to say that clinical psychology was for faggots.

Subject: What did he do for a living?

Doctor: He was a licensed social worker.

Subject: What about your mother?

Doctor: Let's keep this about you. So what were you saying about being unlucky with women?

Subject: This is completely confidential?

Doctor: Trust me. It's just for research. And a blog entry with a link for my parents to read. And something to include in the "about me" section on myspace. And I may use parts of it for a craigslist singles ad for women who love sexy and outdoorsy clinical psychologists.

Subject: I suppose I'd feel better if you didn't tape this.

Doctor: Well, I've already started the tape, so--

Subject: Can't you rewind and erase it?

Doctor: It's not that kind of tape recorder.

Subject: Are you sure about that?

Doctor: Same reason I never use pencils. They encourage mistakes.

Subject: Well, I suppose I don't mind as long as I can make my own recording of this session.

Doctor: What--on your laptop there?

Subject: Yeah, I've got Garage Band on this thing. Hold on. Let me get this set up--

(tape continues in stereo. please click here to open the necessary audio supplement in a different window as you follow along with the transcript below)

Subject: --yeah, that sounds much better. I usually use Sound Studio on this thing, but Garage Band has a nicer reverb.

Doctor: So tell me about being unlucky with women.

Subject: Well, I was thinking the other day, you know, that part of the reason I'm unlucky with women is that, you know, for a long time I've been looking for a man that can make me feel like a woman.

Doctor: And you don't think you can get that with a woman?

Subject: I just think that men are better at treating men like women than women.

Doctor: Are you sure about that?

Subject: If the men that want to be treated like women are women, yeah.

Doctor: What does being treated like a woman entail?

Subject: You know, I just want somebody to recognize that, you know, yes, I'm wearing a polka-dot party dress, knee-socks and mary janes, and licking one of those huge rainbow suckers while going back and forth on a swing set in the merry, merry month of May.

Doctor: But you're wearing ripped blue jeans, a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, you have a five-o-clock shadow and you're drinking a can of Old Milwaukee.

Subject: Yeah, but in my mind, I'm jumping rope and playing hopscotch.

Doctor: That sounds more like a girl than a woman.

Subject: If you want to get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell. If you want to be a woman, you got to raise a little girl.

Doctor: But you don't actually want to become a woman?

Subject: Hell, no. I like p___y too much. I'm just saying that I got a little bit of both in my soul, you know. Kind of makes it difficult sometimes.

Doctor: This is completely confidential, right?

Subject: Oh, yeah. Absolutely, man. No, I'm probably just going to use this for like a comedy bit or something. You know, I'm not sure yet. But I definitely won't be using it for any like psycho-therapeutic purposes.

Doctor: You're not going to have any major breakthroughs with it or anything?

Subject: No. I did all my breaking through when I was born, man!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Doctor: Yes?

[DOOR OPENS]

Nurse: Doctor?

Doctor: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

Nurse: Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Nurse: The doctor will see you now, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, great, thank you. I'll be back in about an hour. Do you mind if I keep the tape recorder running?

Subject: Yeah, if it's completely confidential.

Doctor: It is.

Subject: Hey, can I play your piano while you're gone?

Doctor: Sure. Just don't get any beer stains on it.

Subject: Cool.

[DOOR CLOSES]
[PIANO BEGINS]

Subject: Yeah, you know, I guess in the end. . .I guess I just want to belong, you know? I want to be like the rest of you all, disenfranchised...

[MUSIC AND LYRICS BY JOHN LENNON]
[PIANO & VOCALS: WILL FRANKEN, ALL OTHER INSTRUMENTS: JOHNNY SWERDAN]