Tuesday, October 02, 2007
COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL: The Final Chapter In The Gender-Discrepancies Blog Trilogy
INTAKE INTERVIEW WITH CLINICALLY DEPRESSED CAUCASIAN MALE SUBJECT, Wed, 03 October, 12:04.
(tape begins in mid-speech)--taping this session. I hope you don't mind.
Subject: I didn't catch the first part of that.
Doctor: I was just saying that I'll be taping this session. I hope you don't mind.
Subject: I thought this was completely confidential.
Doctor: It is completely confidential. I'm just taping this for research purposes. So let's start with what you were saying a few moments ago about being unlucky with the ladies.
Subject: This is completely confidential, right?
Doctor: See--I knew I shouldn't have told you I was taping this. Now you're all hung up about it.
Subject: No, I'm glad you told me. I just need your assurance that all this is completely confidential.
Doctor: It's strictly for research purposes. And I'll probably put a portion of it up on my blog. Maybe send a link to my parents. They never thought I was going to make it as a clinical psychologist, so it'd be kind of nice to show them that I actually have a real live patient.
Subject: So your parents never believed in you, huh?
Doctor: No, my dad used to say that clinical psychology was for faggots.
Subject: What did he do for a living?
Doctor: He was a licensed social worker.
Subject: What about your mother?
Doctor: Let's keep this about you. So what were you saying about being unlucky with women?
Subject: This is completely confidential?
Doctor: Trust me. It's just for research. And a blog entry with a link for my parents to read. And something to include in the "about me" section on myspace. And I may use parts of it for a craigslist singles ad for women who love sexy and outdoorsy clinical psychologists.
Subject: I suppose I'd feel better if you didn't tape this.
Doctor: Well, I've already started the tape, so--
Subject: Can't you rewind and erase it?
Doctor: It's not that kind of tape recorder.
Subject: Are you sure about that?
Doctor: Same reason I never use pencils. They encourage mistakes.
Subject: Well, I suppose I don't mind as long as I can make my own recording of this session.
Doctor: What--on your laptop there?
Subject: Yeah, I've got Garage Band on this thing. Hold on. Let me get this set up--
(tape continues in stereo. please click here to open the necessary audio supplement in a different window as you follow along with the transcript below)
Subject: --yeah, that sounds much better. I usually use Sound Studio on this thing, but Garage Band has a nicer reverb.
Doctor: So tell me about being unlucky with women.
Subject: Well, I was thinking the other day, you know, that part of the reason I'm unlucky with women is that, you know, for a long time I've been looking for a man that can make me feel like a woman.
Doctor: And you don't think you can get that with a woman?
Subject: I just think that men are better at treating men like women than women.
Doctor: Are you sure about that?
Subject: If the men that want to be treated like women are women, yeah.
Doctor: What does being treated like a woman entail?
Subject: You know, I just want somebody to recognize that, you know, yes, I'm wearing a polka-dot party dress, knee-socks and mary janes, and licking one of those huge rainbow suckers while going back and forth on a swing set in the merry, merry month of May.
Doctor: But you're wearing ripped blue jeans, a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, you have a five-o-clock shadow and you're drinking a can of Old Milwaukee.
Subject: Yeah, but in my mind, I'm jumping rope and playing hopscotch.
Doctor: That sounds more like a girl than a woman.
Subject: If you want to get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell. If you want to be a woman, you got to raise a little girl.
Doctor: But you don't actually want to become a woman?
Subject: Hell, no. I like p___y too much. I'm just saying that I got a little bit of both in my soul, you know. Kind of makes it difficult sometimes.
Doctor: This is completely confidential, right?
Subject: Oh, yeah. Absolutely, man. No, I'm probably just going to use this for like a comedy bit or something. You know, I'm not sure yet. But I definitely won't be using it for any like psycho-therapeutic purposes.
Doctor: You're not going to have any major breakthroughs with it or anything?
Subject: No. I did all my breaking through when I was born, man!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Nurse: The doctor will see you now, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, great, thank you. I'll be back in about an hour. Do you mind if I keep the tape recorder running?
Subject: Yeah, if it's completely confidential.
Doctor: It is.
Subject: Hey, can I play your piano while you're gone?
Doctor: Sure. Just don't get any beer stains on it.
Subject: Yeah, you know, I guess in the end. . .I guess I just want to belong, you know? I want to be like the rest of you all, disenfranchised...
[MUSIC AND LYRICS BY JOHN LENNON]
[PIANO & VOCALS: WILL FRANKEN, ALL OTHER INSTRUMENTS: JOHNNY SWERDAN]
Posted by Will Franken at 11:32 PM