Thursday, May 21, 2009
Hey Ladies, Who Wants To Make Love To A Drifter?
I'm just drifting through town. Checking out all the ladies. Ladies like you.
Oh me? I'm just a drifter. A long-haired drifter.
Thank you. I grew it myself. That's what happens when you drift.
Town after town, convenience store washroom after convenience store washroom, until that one day when you look in the dirty mirror and see how long your dirty hair has grown since you started drifting.
Mind if I smoke? What's that? Oh, it's a state law that you can't smoke under the awning even if you're outside?
No problem. I'll just step over to the side here. Hell, I've drifted all the way from California to New York, I suppose it wouldn't hurt me to drift a few more inches. There. How's that? Ooh, I like that. A much nicer view over here.
What's that? Why am I drifter?
Er. . .uh. . .nobody's really asked me that before. . .I, uh. . .
I drift because. . .
Because I'm a failure. It takes a success to put down roots. I've never been too successful at being a success. But I've never failed at being a failure. And when I feel that old feeling of failure crop up, no matter what city or town I may be in, all of a sudden the pretty girls and the big money starts to make my eyes hurt--the eyes of my heart, you understand--and I just have to get away and be alone in my traveling. Cause a man don't need to be crying in the presence of the pretty girls and the big money. Gives 'em both too much power. More than they already have.
So I guess you gotta get going? That's your boyfriend ringing on that skinny phone there? I completely understand. I guess I'll drift on over to the other side of the street. Maybe I'll drift on out of this town before the sun goes down. Sure was nice talking to you and all. . .
What's that? Oh, thank you. No, I'm glad you find me funny. That's what. . .well, I was going to say that's what I do. But really, it's not what I do--it's who I am. I'm just funny. I know I'm funny cause I'm so sad inside. I guess I already told you that I was a drifter and. . .
Anyway. . .So I understand if you gotta get to your boyfriend and all. . .oh, by the way, which way are you going to be walking? I'm asking cause I'm going to start drifting again here pretty soon and I don't want to drift in the same direction as you, cause you might think that I'm trying to drift with you. . .but I'm not.
I'm a drifter. I drift alone.
I hate to ask. . .but could you please stop laughing? Please? Don't you need to answer your skinny phone?
Okay, I'm drifting now. . .please stop laughing. . .please. . .
What's my name? I don't have a name. . .I'm a drifter. I can't be pinned down with a name. . .
It's Will. . .or Willy. . .or William. . .now would you please let me go away before I have to face my inferiorities?
Listen, you don't need me. . .you have to trust me on this. . .I'm atoning for my sins, I'm living out my karma, I'm making restitution. . .whatever you want to call it, that's what I'm doing. . .now, please let me drift. . .let me drift away. . .
Goddamnit! Stop laughing! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I THOUGHT I HAD IT FIGURED OUT AND I DIDN'T! LIFE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS DIFFICULT! I THOUGHT I DESERVED THE BRASS RING, BUT THE BRASS RING HURTS TO LOOK AT! IT'S LIKE STARING AT THE SUN!
THERE IT IS! SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! THE SUN'S GOING DOWN! AND I'M STILL HERE!
YOU GOTTA LET ME DRIFT. . .LET ME DRIFT. . .THE SUN'S GOING DOWN AND I'M STILL IN THIS TOWN. . .
NOW GET AWAY FROM ME!
You're just a fiction. . .I know that. . .
I know what fiction is. . .I live it.
But it sure felt good to write you. . .
. . .I'm going to drift on now. . .
. . .away. . .
. . .alone. . .
Posted by Will Franken at 6:50 PM