Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Divine Right Of Customers
Dear Mrs. Shimon,
We were sorry to learn that your family had perished in the Holocaust. We here at Yankee Candles(tm) deplore genocide and have made a firm commitment never to allow it to happen in any of our stores.
We apologize that we do not currently carry banana fragrance(c). Please be advised that this is not because we supported the Holocaust. At present, we are simply out of stock.
At Yankee Candles(phd), we understand that the Holocaust(tm) was a bad thing. That is why we are offering you a coupon for $15 off your next Yankee Candle(pbuh) product purchase of $45 or more.
Yankee candles (aipac) are good for aromatherapy, romance, and the High Holidays.
Sincerely, Rose Ethelberg
Dear Mrs. Lamar-Washington,
We here at Old Navy(c) were saddened to hear of the plight of your ancestors as they were forced to board slave ships en route to the New World (!). Our stores resolutely and unwaveringly deplore slavery and have made a steadfast and unshakable commitment never to permit a slave trade to gain a foothold in our company.
Please be advised that all of our cotton products are made from cotton that was picked either from the hands of free men and women--or robots. We are sorry that you felt differently when you urinated on the floor of our Westbrook, VA store and screamed “imperialism.”
We hope you will accept this coupon for $10 off your next purchase of $50 or more as a token of our contempt for the legacy of Jefferson Davis and his despicable confederacy.
Sincerely, Jamal al-Lamaj
Senior Vice Regional
Dear Ms. Songbird Illuminati,
Ms. Crisis Willowsnap,
and Ms. Gentle Touchsoft
At Jiffy Lube (c), our promise has always been to achieve the maximum limit of absolute one hundred percent full-on total commitment to customer satisfaction and beyond.
That is why we were disheartened to hear that Antarctica is melting and Polar Bears are turning beige. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have been living in a fog. Until our newly implemented emissions standards went into place, we were also living in a smog.
By now, you have probably detected the dampness of my tears on this e-mail. As a CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation, I don’t often get a chance to visit the troops on the ground in our local oil changing centers to find out what’s going on in Antarctica. Inspired by your letter, I did just that very thing yesterday morning.
Many of the Mexicans($) that work in our greasy pits of oil and filth are deeply connected to Antarctica and consider it their ancestral home. Like an ideal steering system, they were in complete alignment with your Marxist views on redistribution of ice and snow. “Extender el frio” said the most vocal of them. In English, “Spread the cold”.
So in salutation of agreement upon honoring our unadulterated continuation of exceeding commitment to the greening of the environment, please accept this coupon for $7 off your next Jiffy Lube Signature Service Oil Change (jlssoc).
James P. Jamespee,
CEO and Lubricator
Posted by Will Franken at 1:33 PM