Thursday, August 07, 2008
I'm Going To Be a Nice Person
I'm going to be a nice person
and offer you my cup.
When you are done drinking from it,
please throw it away.
I don't want your disease.
That would be taking something from you.
I don't want to be a thief.
I want to be a nice person.
I'm going to lead the way in goodness
15 percent more efficiently than the nearest competitor.
People will know where to go for goodness.
When they see my name, they will think of "halo".
Smiles and hugs will abound like ringworm did on Old Yeller.
For every illegitimate child, an ice cream cone.
For every unwed mother, a shot of tequila.
For every deadbeat father, a Greyhound ticket.
No expense will be spared in this all-out assault on wickedness.
I will not short-change my ability to wage war upon the inhumane.
I will take all that which is cruel and self-serving and strangle it to death
in a wheat-field where a pentagram sits in the center and,
with backwoods invocations,
I will summon the Diabolical Dove of Understanding
to round up the nattering nabobs of negativity and have them all euthanized in the name of progressive science.
I will stab, bludgeon, strangle, and rape my way into your heart!
I will beat you mercilessly until your only recourse is to accept my overwhelming kindness.
You are doomed--DOOMED!--to accept the love that gushes forth from my bosom like a sea of stained razor blades riding the surf of a teenage girl's wrist.
I'm going to be a nice person, you miserable motherfuckers.
Posted by Will Franken at 10:07 PM