Wednesday, June 18, 2008
THOUGHTS OF A SEEMINGLY RANDOM NATURE ON SEEMINGLY RANDOM TOPICS.
This is not to say that there is no interconnectivity between these thoughts or topics. There may very well be, although at the present--having not yet conceived or written them--it is too early to tell.
Also, I have been spending an exorbitant amount of time on grammar and sentence structure lately. For this entry, I am making these concerns secondary in the interest of speed, for I want to capture these thoughts and topics in as embryonic a state as possible.
There is no more right wing. There are two left wings: A moderate left wing (Republicans) and a radical left wing (Democrats).
2. CLIMATE CHANGE/GLOBAL WARMING
Unbeknownst to many, there is considerable scientific debate on the topic of climate change/global warming.
Some scientists believe global warming is real. Some scientists believe global warming is not real.
Of those who believe global warming is real, some scientists believe that man is directly responsible. Some scientists do not believe that man is directly responsible.
Of those who believe global warming is real and that man is directly responsible, some scientists believe that something can be done to reverse the effects of climate change. Some scientists do not believe that something can be done to reverse the effects of climate change.
There is much diversity on the topic of global warming. But you're not allowed to see this. Because it helps to have something dire to advance a political agenda. Higher taxes, new automobiles for the upper middle-classes, voting for the most "green" candidate, trivialization of the realities of radical Islam and the ongoing retardation of our inner-city educational system.
George Bush was heavily criticized by the media for using the TANGIBLE events of 9-11 as a political agenda. At times, I agree, it could be a bit embarrassing. But remember, we all saw the footage. We all saw the planes. That shit was real. Never forget. A cliché, but true--never forget. Never forget. Only cowards forget. Only globalists forget. Only money forgets.
Only money FORGIVES. . .
Where is the criticism for Al Gore and his devotees who rely heavily on INTANGIBLES to advance a platform of ignoring the TANGIBLES?
There is real environmentalism. And then there is the modern-day green movement.
3. WE CAN SOLVE IT
There are some new ads that are being aired on a lot of TV stations--even on FOX--that show people from the opposite ends of the political spectrum sitting together and agreeing on the dangers of climate change. One features Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich.
"We don't always see eye-to-eye, do we, Newt?" Says Nancy with pearls and pantsuit and botoxed smile.
"No. But we do agree, our country must take action to address climate change." says Newt with a corncob up his ass.
After a few more lines of emasculating bullshit from both mouths, the black-and-white shot is suddenly endowed with a green circle. In the circle is the word "WE".
Then there's a link to a website: wecansolveit.org
Mmmm. That's nice. No conflict. Healing. Unity. Togetherness.
Anybody else suspicious about bullshit like this?
I don't want any WE shit. I want to see people taking clear sides on issues and fighting it out, not to the death--but to the TRUTH.
Only one side benefits from this WE shit.
There is no right wing. There are two left wings. We're flying in circles now. Endlessly orbiting the earth--so blissfully ignorant of the harsh realities below the stratosphere.
In another ad, black opportunist preacher Al Sharpton and whitebread myopic evangelist Pat Robertson sit down and also agree. Here's an exact transcript.
PAT: Al, let's face it. We're polar opposites.
AL : We couldn't be further apart. I'm on the left.
PAT: And I'm usually on the right. And we strongly disagree.
AL: Except on one issue. Tell 'em what it is, Reverend Pat.
PAT: (BIG SANCTIMONIOUS SMILE) That would be our planet. Taking care of it is extremely important.
AL: (UNNECESSARY HAND MOVEMENTS) We aaaaall need to work together. Liberals AND conservatives.
PAT: So get involved. It's the RIGHT thing to do.
AL: (WAGGING FINGER) Now there you go again!
PAT CHUCKLES GiRLISHLY
yuk. . .yuk.
Then an unnamed male narrator says in a depressing, globalized monotone.
NARRATOR: Join us. Together we can solve the climate crisis. Go to wecansolveit.org
If you've ever auditioned for voiceover work for this type of commercial, you'll know the ad agency and the company people always agree on one direction: WRY.
Say it WRY. We're looking for something WRY. I don't know how many times, back when I used to do voiceovers, I was told by ad agency executives and company representatives to deliver the tagline WRY. (yes, I know it should be "wryly". Not according to them. It was always, "Say it wry. . .")
"Wry, okay," I nod my head nervously at the mike because I really need the money. I clear my throat and speak carefully: "Join us. Together we can solve the climate crisis."
"Will, that's good," says some 25-year old trust fund brat in horn-rimmed frames that he doesn't even need, "but try not to put anything INTO it."
"Oh, I see. Sort of real deadpan?"
So I strip away all of my emotions and summon forth my spirit animal: a zombie.
"Join us. . .together. . .we can solve the climate. . .crisis."
They don't look happy. "Hmm, Will, it still sounds like you believe what you say."
"I think I'm just nervous," I confess, "You see, I really need the money. . ."
Yeah, everybody's going green. Even Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson; Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich can see "eye-to-eye" on this. Going green in more ways than one. What else is green, I wonder. . .
I also wonder if people in the Midwest still talk back to the television like they did when I was a kid. I can imagine my father now:
"First off, unnamed voice, who in the fuck are you? Second off, I don't believe in no goddamned climate crisis and if I did, I've got other shit to worry about. Like am I gonna have enough money left over from the check for that roofing work I did for Donny Rodgers last week on his goddamn solar house? Especially after they take out these new goddamned green taxes? I mean, how in the fuck am I supposed to get a new transmission for the Malibu so I can drive up and look for some better paying work in Kansas City?. There ain't shit for good-paying jobs here since the Mexicans undersold me and now I'm supposed to solve a goddamned climate crisis?"
My mother cautions him:
"Bill, you're scaring the children!"
He's not, actually, I'm rather enjoying his old-time religion. My little sister might have been scared, though.
This is wild. I feel like I'm back home again after all these years. We always used to watch TV at suppertime!
"Goddamnit, Pat," (my mother's name) "it's the goddamned truth! Kids need to hear it!"
"I know, Bill, I know," says my mother. And then she continues cautiously, "But that IS Pat Robertson."
"Jesus Christ, woman" thunders my father, "I don't give a shit if it's Jesus Christ, woman! You think I give a shit that's Pat Robertson? Fuck Pat Robertson, Pat!"
I giggle. Like I always did when pappa made fun of the preacher man.
"Please, Bill--the children, your language--"
"Fuck the children! Fuck the language! Fuck Pat Robertson! Pat Robertson don't work--"
"I know, Bill," my mother sighs--not for the first time.
"Pat Robertson don't pay our fucking taxes, Pat! Pat Robertson don't put food on this fucking table!"
"By the way, are you going to eat that food or are you just going to rant all night?" my mother asks in a sudden, and rare, shift to deadpan. She could be wry herself when she wanted to, although nervous was her regular tempo.
"Pat Robertson can care about the motherfucking planet all he wants!"
"Bill--"cautions my mother again.
('Motherfucker' wasn't as common, but it still happened a lot in our family. My precious little ears received many scars that would affect me profoundly for years to come. Please see my one-man show for more details.)
My father takes his half-eaten Pillsbury biscuit and sops up some po-boy* "All I'm saying Pat, is right now I CAN'T really care about the fucking planet--"
"Nobody's asking you to care about the planet, Bill."
"I only care about keeping this goddamn roof over our heads!"
Righteous. That's the word I keep thinking when I hear him now. Righteous.
"I know, Bill. You work hard. And we're all grateful, aren't we kids?"
"Thanks, dad," my little sister Crystal and I say in unison. Man, I haven't eaten po-boy* in a long time! Mmm!
Then Crystal says with the innocence of a child (for she is a child in this Hallmark recollection) "I think it'd be cool to save the planet!"
My dad sets down his fork. "You want to save the planet? All right, in nine years, you'll be 16. Get a job, earn some money, and go save the planet. Right now we got enough to worry about with saving our savings account!"
Right about now, my mother arrives at a solution. Perhaps seeing Pat Robertson (whom she is familiar with from watching The 700 Club with her grandmother whenever we go to visit) and Al Sharpton (whom she knows nothing about other than that he is a large black man with long greasy hair) agree on the important issue of climate change makes her own mind start turning. . .churning . .thinking of a solution to a growing DOMESTIC crisis. . .
Lightbulb! (Incandescent of course.) She has an idea! We CAN solve it!
She picks up the remote and changes the channel. "Why don't we watch 'M*A*S*H'?"
By the time the theme song to "M*A*S*H" is over, my dad finally--like our planet hopefully will one day--cools down. Before you know it, the family is dining to the gentle arias of Hawkeye and Colonel Potter. The old man sure did love watching"M*A*S*H". I never asked him why he liked the show so much. I think it had something to do with the fact that he served in Vietnam. (And yes, I know 'M*A*S*H' takes place in Korea. But even Robert Altman, who directed the much superior film version on which the series was based, admitted that the work was supposed to be a satire of Vietnam.)
* PO-BOY (FROM ABOVE)
There are many recipes for regional dishes that go by the name of Po-Boy. Perhaps you might be familiar with the Po-Boy sandwich. That is not what I'm describing.
The Po-Boy that my family is eating in the above scene is a midwestern variant of the chuckwagon style cooking of the Wild West wherein the cook (usually called "Cookie"; in this case, "Mother") would throw a bunch of stuff into a large pot, heat it up, stir it a little, and serve it on a plate with some biscuits.
Ingredients for Sedalia, MO Po-Boy:
Throw all that into a large pot, heat it up, stir it a little, and serve it on a plate with some biscuits. It's very cheap to make and it probably has a lot of transfats.
MCCAIN IS GOING TO LOSE THE ELECTION UNLESS
McCain is talking about global warming. McCain probably doesn't believe anything he's saying about the topic. It is apparent that his campaign managers are suffering from the delusion that if he talks about global warming--(a seemingly innocuous issue compared to radical Islam)-- he will somehow convert a lot of Barack Obama's people over to his side.
In other words, it almost sounds as if he wants to lose.
Because he's not going to convert anybody. What he will succeed in doing is isolating his commonsense, working class base--which is all that he really has to work with at this point.
Barack Obama has the MTV generation. Barack Obama has the mainstream media. Barack Obama has the majority of minorities. Barack Obama has the environmentalists. Barack Obama has the academics. Barack Obama has Hollywood. Barack Obama has millions of dollars at his disposal and if you criticize his candidacy or himself as a person or the people he associates with, you're liable to suffer charges of racism, or at the very least another tedious discussion on how black people have suffered long and hard in this country and it's time for a CHANGE.
Some Republican advertising agency put out a political ad unbeknownst to McCain a few months ago. In the ad, they quote from Jeremiah Wright and mention his connection to Barack Obama.
John McCain denounced the ad for being divisive.
Even he's scared to fight.
Don't try and be something you're not. Don't be a Nancy Pelosi or a Newt Gingrich or an Al Sharpton or a Pat Robertson.
You're a Republican, John McCain. You're like Israel. They're going to hate you no matter what you say.
So draw a line in the sand and let's have a fight.
You can start by asking Obama what political motive he had in mind when he lied to veterans about an uncle who liberated Auschwitz. Or how Jeremiah Wright's black nationalist bullshit could go unnoticed for 26 years by a man who titled his book after one of the sermons. Ask him why he lies so much and how his ignorance of recent American history keeps going unquestioned by the mainstream media.
But for Christ's sake, McCain, give up this idea of converting anyone. Find your choir and preach to it already.
UNORTHODOX SOLUTIONS TO THE OIL CRISIS:
Well, nobody wants to drill in Alaska. Even though that would cut down some on foreign oil.
So how about this--let's seize Iran's oil fields. All of them.
Let's take out that government once and for all and make Iran an outpost of America. After all, we'll probably do a better job of distributing our newfound oil wealth to the Iranians than the Iranian government did when they had the chance.
With Ahmadenijad out of the way and the Islamic revolution in that country deader than a doornail, Iran can grow and prosper as a Western colony and the Holocaust denier now at the helm won't get his nuclear weapon after all and Israel can survive. What are we waiting for? If we really do have to go global, why not go global in a really cool way?
I'm not being facetious here--just romantic.
Unless, that is, nobody approves of the idea of late-night tranny nightclubs in Iran.
Or is that TOO liberal?
Maybe it is. I guess we'll just have to wait until these magic cars that run on corn become available to people of lower income brackets--like the farmers that'll be growing the corn to run those cars.
Posted by Will Franken at 10:49 PM